Fri, September 11, 2009 at 23:42 Exactly 3 months ago today I went into the London Hospital for for an exploratory endoscopy and came out hours later having done an emergency CT and MRI scan that put my life on hold. I have not written in detail about the day I howled at the moon after one surgeon looked at me with pity in his eyes said that he could do very little for me. He was a surgeon. He couldn’t help. Not then. I have a vivid image of myself crouching on his examination couch thinking only that I am a mother and I have a job to do.
Three months down the line and barley a quarter of the way through a potential treatment plan my wonderful oncologist smiled at me today as he informed me that the results of the scan carried out yesterday could not be more positive. He gave me 10 out of 10 for effort. I gave his team 10 out of 10 for the love and care they have shown me.
Next week we continue with another 6 cycles of chemo.
In November we reconsider our options and next steps.
I am not out of the woods.
I am not fooling myself into thinking this disease is so easy to beat - I know that this diagnosis is now going to be something that I will be fighting for the rest of my life. I respect / accept that.
However this afternoon I felt that :
- I can begin to trust both my body and my feelings again.
- I can trust my body to be strong and heal.
- I can trust myself to listen to the signs and signals of my body and to interpret them.
- I must believe in the power and generosity of the universe and the wonderful power of love and prayer.
- I am surrounded by Grace.
Last weekend we went for tea at Petersham Nursery - one of my all time favourite places in London. We took a long walk upstream. On our return the tide had come in so high it had flooded the path. No way over it. No way under it. We took our shoes off and waded through it.
I guess that that is how I need to see this process - no way through it but through it!
And suddenly older women look entirely beautiful.
I want to be one.
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