Nothing like a bit of cancer and some prognosis statistics to make me think about life and how important being my daughter’s mother is to me. Being a lover and a partner is important too – but E is an adult and adults survive things differently; they can articulate their pain and have a responsibility to get on with life and parenthood.

I know children survive loosing a parent - but this is not the experience I wish to impose on my daughter - or at least not until she is a healthy independent adult.  Hard to say what I rebel against the most – the idea of her possibly having to navigate the journey to adulthood without me as her staunchest lioness-protector-supporter-cheerleader; or the deep gut churning sadness I feel at the idea of missing out on watching this wonderful young girl blossom to womanhood.  Both in equal measure - and the pain cuts deep. When the dark thoughts begin to mess with my mind it takes me a few days and some secret tears before I return to my normal equilibrium. I have shoulders to cry on. I use them.

In my dark moments I think of my web of woman friends and hope that some of them will become role models to her at different times in her life.  If the only legacy I can leave her is this pool of loving female wisdom to tap into when she needs to - she will be rich.  Perhaps a bit of the energy I share with these women will be passed on to my Chi as she matures and she will get occasional glimpses into the woman I am beyond just being her adoring mother.  I want this process to happen regardless.  I have a pool of female role models in my life that I call on or think of when I am faced with challenges or when I take time to think about the type of woman I wish to be.  These role models do not minimise the role my mother plays in my life, or the strength and love I have learnt from her, but they offer me glimpses into alternative ways of being, and I am given a choice. 

Tomorrow I go in for cycle 10 of 12 of chemo. Tonight I prepare my mind for the blank hard space the chemo takes me too. On Friday I will return.